THE NIGHT I ALMOST GAVE MY LIFE FOR LOVE
I remember sitting on my bed in the apartment I shared with my two college roommates, neither of them were home. I held my phone in my hand and stared out the window into darkness as tears poured from my eyes. I had spent the last two hours binge calling my boyfriend only to receive no answer or call back. The hour was late and I realized that his time was being occupied by someone else, perhaps another female? My mind began conjuring up every negative thing I could think of.
Corine, duh he doesn't love you - no one does. Not even your own parents loved you (I grew up in foster care). You've never truly had a friend, you've always been the third wheel friend. Even the parent you have now doesn't love you, you're just a check to her. Kill yourself!
Every negative emotion I'd ever felt became real in that moment and began to suffocate me. I got a full bottle of pills and swallowed them all.
I remember paramedics shining lights into my eyes before rushing me to the emergency room where I was forced to drink and keep down the most disgusting liquid. When I threw it up I had to start all over again. Then I had to convince the suicide counselor questioning my sanity that I was stable enough to return home.
That night was monumental for me. I asked myself, how did things escalate so drastically? It wasn't until years later that I realized, that night ended the way it did because I breathed him, I lived him, I loved him so much I surrendered my heart to him.
I didn't know back then how powerful of an emotion love was. I didn't realize that love could blind, even though it was blinding me. I didn't know that love could suffocate, even though I was in the mist of suffocating. I didn't know that love could bring you face to face with death, even though I was stuffing pills down my throat.
I had to get to the point where I learned what true love felt like, not the kind that made me want to die, but the kind that encouraged me to live. Once I did, my life began to transform.
When I think back to that night, oddly enough, I'm glad it happened. It was a very important lesson I needed to learn and now I'm able to help someone else through a similar difficult situation. It's also what helped me to write my first book, A Small Piece of Her Heart. Though my book is not autobiographical or about suicide, I was able to draw off the extreme emotions I felt in surrendering my heart to the wrong one. I was able to write about what it felt like to be hurt so badly that I was unable to give any part of myself to anyone else. A Small Piece of Her Heart is for the girl who struggles with love, who sometimes loses a piece of herself in the fairy tale of love. I pray it touches hearts the way I intended.
Book available today here http://www.corinemarie.com/books.html